My son Cade died at the age of 17 months. He battled his brain cancer from the age of 6 weeks on. There was barely a time when Cade did not have to endure needles, tests, doctors, hospitals and sickness. But regardless of all that he was going through physically he remained a happy and joyful child. Always giving mouth wide open slobber filled kisses, or blowing kisses to those he loved like his mema and papa who cared for him while I worked. Regardless of how terrible he felt, he could always muster up a smile for us. Cade had the wisest eyes, very deep and soulful. I always said and felt that he was a very old soul in a little baby's body.
It is very ironic, when Cade was born I very distinctly remember the nurse saying again and again how perfect he was. His head was perfectly round, his color perfectly pink...he was just a beautiful baby. It is unbelievablelthat this terrible tumor was lurking in his little head.
I guess it is kind of like life, things can be going along perfectly and then all a sudden the bottom of your life falls out. You think you have everything together, under control and we find out we have no control - control is an illusion. Don't get me wrong life isn't a series of random events, we make decisions that lead us to places in our lives good or bad, and ware held accountable for those decisions. But I beleive that God has a plan in the midst of it all. He knows what mistakes we are going to make and already has a plan in place that will turn our tragedy into triumph. The hard part is getting to the point you are ready and willing to accept it.
When Cade was diagnosed with brain cancer there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. As a parent I am supposed to protect and care for my child but there was nothing I could do to ease his pain or end his suffering. It was out of my control. I didn't take that lying down though. Of course, I educated myself about brain tumors and became very well versed on the ends and outs of caring for a child with brain cancer. More than anyone ever should be, that is for sure. But nonetheless I did what ever I could that was in my control to make Cade's life as pain free as possible.
It has taken me a long time to accept the role God has given me. I find myelf reminding Him almost daily that I did not ask for this, it was thrust upon me and He never asked my permission.
